personal life

the hold of the blues

depression is a funny thing.  for me, it comes and goes.  it runs in my family so i’m careful to be aware of it.  sometimes, it’s mild.  very rarely, it’s severe.  i had to see my doctor for it a couple of years ago, which was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done…and one of the best.  it taught me how to take care of myself and better know what i needed and when.

this recent bout snuck up on me.  it built slowly like a snowball falling down a hill all weekend.  but then bam!  the snowball hit the bottom of the hill this morning and settled.  when it is like this, it takes over my day and drags me down, but as soon as i get in a good cry and a hard workout, i feel better.  exercise and eating right really does help me.  bottling up my feelings doesn’t and yet, i still cork it like that is going to make it better.  writing helps.

loneliness is powerful.  especially for me lately.  it can grab hold of me in an instant around the collar, choking out my words.  and i stay silent…until i don’t.

i know how to deal with it.  but it takes me some time to step back and realize what is happening.  when i get to that point, i can start taking care of myself.  but sometimes that time frame is a couple hours or even several days.  when it becomes longer than that, i know i’m in trouble.  and i won’t let that helplessness happen to me again.  i’m stronger now.

that doesn’t mean that i won’t have moments, because i know i will.  but i just have to be perceptive and vigilant.  i have to take care of me.

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