“Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.”
― Brennan Manning
i’m trying to find my “authentic self”. i’m almost thirty. it’s about time i do that, huh? this summer has been strange. lots of places to go and not many people to see. a ton of time alone. and i realized…i hate being alone. i know it’s good to be silent and listen to yourself, experience things on your own. and i’ve done that. but it’s also terribly lonely.
i’m insecure with myself and my life. it’s not what i want for myself. i am blessed. i know that. but there are things that i do want and need. and yet, it’s so hard for me to go after them. i’ve been hurt. that hurt may fade, but it never really goes away. a memory from the past can bring emotions that are still as raw and shameful and embarrassing and just plain sad as they were the day it happened.
i hold onto things long past the time that i should. it’s a family trait i haven’t been able to shake. but i need to move forward. this summer has been a time of great self-discovery for me, but i still feel like i’m standing still, my feet in frozen, while everyone runs the marathon ahead of me. it’s time for that to change, for me push myself and get moving.
i used to think that when i got my body in shape and learned to really dress myself well that i’d be ready to get out there. but that moment just really hasn’t ever come. yeah, i’m working on it, but i’m never going to be perfect. there’s never going to be a “right time”. my bff just proved that to me this summer. she lost a ton of weight (some of it included a husband) and jumped right into living a true and authentic life. she’s happy. no she’s not at her goal weight, but she doesn’t even care. she just took off in that race. and i still stood there.
my body will never be exactly what i aspire it to be. my emotions will always be on the surface. i have memories that affect me. and that’s okay. but i don’t want those things to hold me back anymore. i want to face my past and my demons. and i want that freedom to take a few steps that will eventually turn into a run.