healthy living · personal life

my inner fat girl

last night, i had a long conversation in a parking lot with my bff, kat.  that’s probably not the best place to have a heart to heart, but when i drink shit just comes pouring out of my mouth.  things i want to say out loud but don’t.  anyone else do that?  🙂

so earlier kat and i were talking with another two friends, a guy and a girl.  we’re all single, and he was telling us that we could go into any bar and take someone home.  no doubt about it.  i was (and am) skeptical of that.  he insisted that men are just base creatures, they love women, and if you offer it, they’ll go for it.  part of me wants to really believe that i could confidently walk up to a guy and make that happen.  (it would just be an experiment!  i’m not slutty by an means)  but my inner fat girl is convinced it’s not true.

i’ve lost weight before.  in college, i was made a lot of unhealthy decisions and was on the skinnier side.  i felt at my best weight then, and i still couldn’t be aggressive or go after guys because i was convinced that they would just laugh at me or something for even asking.  now that i’ve lost weight again, those feelings are back again.  actually they never left.  when i was chunky, i just accepted the fat girl because she was me.  now, she’s still there with her fat girl feelings.

but i’ve changed.  i’ve lost weight the healthy way.  yes, i’ve made mistakes along the way, but i’m on the right road now.  i’m eating good foods (and enough of it) and working out on a great schedule.  it’s working for me.  slowly…

so i’m not sure how to tell the fat girl inside to man up.  to stop being a girl about it and go after what she wants.  to accept that i’ve changed.  that i’m better.  that i’m worth it.   that guys are actually drawn to me.  that i am attractive and even (gasp) pretty.

sometimes i know she’s wrong, but she still wins most arguments.  i don’t want her to, but she’s always there whispering to me that my stomach is too fat or my arms are too chubby or my back fat rolls are visible.

so how do you make that fat girl shut the hell up and accept her new body?  i’m not sure just yet.

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