healthy living · personal life

why do i need the validation?

lately, my plateau has been driving me kind of nuts.  i’ve been stuck at a certain weight for going on four months now.  i have been doing everything right, but that scale is not budging.  at.  all.

i get so pissed about it sometimes.  i eat right.  i workout regularly.  i don’t over do it.  i don’t skip out on meals.  i am honest when i screw up and get back on the horse right away.

and yet… the plateau wins.

so i need support to keep going.  i get that from a lot of places.  my parents are fully supportive when i talk to them about it.  my friend kat keeps me on track as my accountability partner.  my blog reading list helps me stay motivated. but i still need a little more…

i need that verbal validation that my work is paying off.  i know it in my head, but i’ve only had one person in the past few months to even mention that i’ve lost weight and toned up.  i don’t know why i need those comments, why they’re so important to me right now.  like i said, i know that i’m doing the work and that i’m going about it the right way.  and still i need someone to tell me that i’m looking good, that i’m better than before to give me that boost in my self-esteem.

when i look in the mirror, i see the changes.  most days i get up and see the results of the work that i’ve put in to lose those nearly 20 pounds.  other times all i notice is the flaws and those days are particularly hard.  i’m usually in a bad mood and have to work at it to make it go away…if it even does.

i was talking about this with my friend kat the other day and she was talking about how it’s so nice to get verbal and nonverbal attention, especially from men, but also from women.  i’ve realized lately that i don’t really notice attention from men because i just learned to not expect it.

in college, i was the “fat friend” even though i wasn’t really even fat.  i was an unhealthy “skinny fat” girl with a ton of skinnier friends.  they got the attention from guys.  i got hugs and friendships from them.  and i got used to it.  sometimes i even liked it because there was no pressure, no hurt feelings.  just fun.  but those feelings kind of stuck even after college.  i was still the “fat friend” inside.

and then i actually started gaining weight. i was officially the “fat friend” in my head.  now, i’m ready to break free of that but i need to change my mindset.  i need to notice when i’m being flirted with and go with it.  i need to be conscious of my surroundings and accept the possibility that i’m ready for anything.  and even if i don’t actually hear it from anyone, i need to see that i’m not the “fat friend” any more.

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