you know… there are days when I have it all together. and there’s days when i don’t.
sometimes i look in the mirror in the morning and give myself some finger guns and move on. there’s been more of these days lately. but there’s still days when i stand there for a little too long and the fat girl in my head starts criticizing everything she sees that doesn’t measure up to the level i desire.
i play my workout mix on shuffle. but when this song, “battle scars” by lupe fiasco, comes on, it affects me. sometimes it even makes me emotional. it makes me think about my own emotional scars and the specific moments that caused them.
like that time at summer camp when that girl made fun of me and laughed in my face in front of the boy i liked. like that time I cried in the dressing room when not even the beautiful size 16 prom dresses would fit me in the store. like when i took diet pills, snuck out of the house, and passed out at the gym at 4:30 am because i wanted to get in a secret workout in the morning and another in the afternoon. like when none of my work pants would fit one august and i bawled my eyes out on the floor of my closet. like when i made out with that guy only because he called me pretty. like when i forced myself to throw up a huge dinner at a restaurant while my friends still sat at the table enjoying it.
now, life is about health. but that doesn’t mean i don’t see and feel the scars. i have just learned to accept them for what they are: symbols of the past. there will be new ones, for sure. but they’ll just be lessons along the way.