personal life

i’m sorry. i can’t. don’t hate me.

i’ve had a couple of days to think about the breakup, the decision to no longer see each other, whatever you want to call it.  it even kind of reminded me of one of my favorite “sex and the city” episodes when carrie is broken up with on a post-it and then goes on a tear around town for the next few days.  i didn’t got on a tear and my breakup was in person, but the words on the post-it definitely sound familiar – i’m sorry, i can’t, don’t hate me.

i'm sorry i can't don't hate me

i’m still surprisingly fine with it.  i haven’t even cried about it, and i cry about just about everything. 🙂

but there is something that is bothering me…  i didn’t speak up for myself.  carrie didn’t have the opportunity to because her boyfriend left in the middle of the night.  but i did and i didn’t take it.

for the days following the event, i became pissed off, angry that i lost the opportunity to speak my piece.

he started by apologizing for leading me on.  he said he went for it because he was attracted to me and liked spending time with me.  then he went into how he promised himself that he wouldn’t get into a serious relationship when he moved here and he felt like that’s where we were headed.  he said he wanted to focus on building his career because it was really important to him.  he apologized for pulling away from me in the past couple of weeks because he didn’t know how to tell me all of this.  i should have asked why he wasn’t honest with me from the beginning.

i’d felt him putting distance between us, and it confused me.  i let him get away with it because when we were together, he was attentive, kind, interested, and fun. but over time, he started to take awhile to return texts, wouldn’t start conversations or make plans, and he began canceling on me. even that day, he was short with me when we talked to each other.

and i just stood there on the sidewalk of a downtown street and said things like, “i understand” and “i get it”.

and then he said that he would like to still be friends.  and that once things with work calmed down around the new year, we could “reevaluate everything”.  and still i just stood there and took it all when i should have said, “no, that’s not how this works.  you don’t get to put our relationship on hold to fit your timing.  i’m not going to wait around for you to figure out your shit.”

in a way, i’m glad it ended in such a clean break.  it wasn’t a hurtful breakup.  i’m grateful for that.  i also don’t regret the relationship.  i definitely learned things about myself.  but i do regret not expressing how i felt in those final moments.  i also feel somewhat relieved that it’s over because i knew that it wasn’t going to work out.  it had become too hard and too much work.  it’s not supposed to be that hard only a few months in.

i’m thirty years old.  at this point, i know that most of the relationships that i have won’t work out.  it’s not really shocking.  after all, there are 7 billion people on this earth.  and i’m supposed to find just one who will put up with me and my neuroses?  🙂

but that doesn’t mean i’m not going to keep trying.  i want to find that man to share my life with.  and i just haven’t found him yet.

so i’m sorry it didn’t work out.

i can’t wait for you to decide what you want.

don’t hate me for moving on.

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4 thoughts on “i’m sorry. i can’t. don’t hate me.

  1. So… I too had a similar experience years ago. I however wallowed in it for ages. The guy dumped me on msn messenger instead of in person, because “I can’t bare to see you hurt” Whatever.

    He, at the time, wanted a break, not a break up. I was quick to jump and say “There is no break, you are either with me or not.”

    Then for the next however many months later I belittled myself because of that decision. It was the right thing to do most certainly, but what if I hadn’t had said that. What if I had said “ok”.

    I’m pleased as punch I did exactly what I did more than 10 years later, but at the time I was a bundle of sadness. We will always think of what we didn’t do, or should have done, but in reality the what if’s will drive you to drink.

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