personal life

the struggle is part of the story

i was sitting down to write my weekly “high five for friday” post, and i just couldn’t think of five good things about this week.  usually if that’s the case, i can just dig deep and find something, even if it was small.  but not this week.  it was just plain shitty.  (especially that creepy man that scared the shit out of me by slowing down his car at the park during one of my walks, opening the door, and silently showing off his dick to me?  like i am just dying to experience that at 7 pm in a quiet part of a public park. yeah, that pushed it into over-the-top-super-shitty.)

you ever have one of those weeks where you just want to cry at every turn and your feelings are irrationally stronger than they normally are?  yeah…that was this past week.  my anxiety was off the charts.  i think that i’m pretty good at hiding it, and if i can’t, i just hide myself until i get myself straightened out again.

about midweek, i almost got upset at work, which i hate to do.  a friend that was with me at the time asked if i was okay.  i said (like i always do), “i’m fine”.  he responded to me with probably the perfect answer – “i know you’re not, but it’ll be okay.”  i’ve thought about that over and over since then.  it was the right thing that i needed to hear.

i know i sound like a whiny middle school girl.  i’m aware.  but for the past two weeks, i’ve felt left out, pushed aside, not backed up, forgotten, frustrated with myself, alone.  it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault (and maybe some of it is), but it’s just how i feel.

and then, of course, i pull away from everything because it hurts too much.  because that helps so much.  (i hope you can read sarcasm.)

it’s a cycle that i’ve been going through my entire life.  if i don’t know how to deal with something hurtful, i avoid it and think it’ll just fade away.  i know that it only makes it worse.  it’s just how i do it, how i’ve always done it.  and i don’t realize that i’m doing it until i’m about halfway through the cycle and crawl out of it.  and that’s what happened this week.

the struggle

i cried for the first time in two months tonight.  it had been building up all week.  but my goal is not to give in to it.  it’s just to stay busy, focus on my health and personal goals, and wait it out.  it’ll get better.  and the struggles make me grow as a person.  although it’s hard to see it when i’m in the middle of the “cycle”, i know that it’s all about perspective.  yes, anxiety is hard to deal with.  i still don’t know how to cope with it most of the time.  but at the end of the day, I know that i’m healthy (or getting there again), educated, employed, loved, and blessed.

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