some of the goals i set for myself for 2015: be fearless. be vulnerable. be fierce. give as good as you get. deal with my anxiety head on. (see below.)
and at the first chance to really prove to myself that i could be those things, i gave in. see, i have this friend who doesn’t consider me a friend anymore. yeah, i’m confused too. we had one little tiff, and he wrote me off even after i apologized for my part in it more than once. so if he’s around, i naturally avoid him. if i know (or am warned) he’s going to be somewhere that i’m planning on going, i won’t go. i’ve let my anxiety about the situation take over. i’ve let him “win”.
in my head, i know this is wrong. i shouldn’t take shit from anyone. i shouldn’t let another person dictate who i spend time with or where i go. and yet, i’ve allowed that to happen. i can’t even tell you how many things i’ve missed out because i’ve been avoiding him. and i hate that. at first, i’m sad that i can’t do that thing i wanted to do. but then i’m pissed. every time, i’m pissed off. a little bit at him, but mostly at myself for giving in.
in the past, i’ve felt unsupported about the situation. i know people understand, especially after so much time has passed. they’ll tell me that. they just don’t know what to do about it. they’ll tell me that too. and now i get it. i didn’t for a long time. but you can’t force anyone to do or feel anything they don’t want to feel. the only thing you can control is yourself and what you choose to do.
it’s not just this situation too. i don’t stick up for myself. like ever. and that’s a shame. so now, i’m saying fuck it. i’m saying i’m going to do what i want. i’m going to go where i want to go. i’m going to spend time with my friends. i’m going to be the strong and independent person that i know i am. i’m going to be that fierce and fearless person i want to be. basically, i’m going to shoot for being beyonce. 🙂 she wouldn’t put up with shit. and she wouldn’t care so much what other people thought. she’d face it head on. she wouldn’t let anyone know she was anxious or angry or sad. she’d take care of it in high heels and with a smile on her face.