home sweet home · random crap

my crazy neighbors

i didn’t really get to know my neighbors when i lived in an apartment. i was friendly with the vietnam vet amputee who used to love to rant in my general direction while i smiled and nodded. and i would say “hi” to my upstairs neighbor when i saw him while simultaneously blushing because i heard him having sex the day before because he tended to leave the patio door open for his post coitus cigarette.  {too much info?  :)}  but i generally avoided the hispanic couple who fought constantly.

i thought that when i moved into a real neighborhood it would be different. maybe more refined.

…man, was i wrong. people are freaks everywhere apparently. i have an older man two houses down that has racist leanings. he’s paranoid about the family across the street being terrorists. no, Oscar. at the most, they’re discreet drug dealers.

the lady next to me is very jumpy, like i’m going to attack her at any moment. if i’m watering my yard and she’s getting her mail and i say “hi”, she jumps into the air and then nervously laughs and doesn’t respond.

the woman across the alley from me catches me sometimes and holds me hostage with her conversations about teaching (it’s summer, I don’t want to talk about it for an hour in the hot sun while i grasp my smelly trash as a buffer), how her children chose to live with her ex-husband (as she cries), and how people judge her for living with her boyfriend. i had to tell her that i didn’t care if she lived with him after she begged me not to judge her too. she’s in her fifties. do your thing, girl.

then my next door neighbor… he’s an old hispanic man who is missing half of his teeth and is a foot shorter than me. at first, he was nice. i’ve never met his wife but apparently she exists. he came over the other day to give me a card from his plumber that he recommends even though i told him i already have one.  he kept touching my arms while he was talking to me.  he asked where my “husband” was and peeked into my house.  he said, “i haven’t seen him since you moved it.”  i replied with “that was my father” and he seemed encouraged. he noticed my tattoos and actually touched them all (that he could see). then he said i had sexy feet especially with the tattoos. then he said I looked like an angel and SANG to me about me and my “beautiful eyes”.  he kept touching my arms and i kept closing the door more and more. AND THEN he said i looked like a model, which we all know is horseshit. i kept inching the door shut and he finally said, “if you need anything, anything at all, you just let me know” and left.  now, he keeps coming by every afternoon or evening ringing my doorbell.  i can’t even leave my door open anymore and i’m scared to go in my front yard for fear of him coming over again.  i’m not answering the door again if it’s him.  super creep status.  i charged my taser just in case. 😉

is there a neighborhood with normal neighbors or is this how it is everywhere??

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