have you ever been in a situation when you feel inadequate? that you’ve disappointed people that care about you the most? of course, everyone has. and that’s how this holiday was for me. there have been really good christmases and this really wasn’t at the top of the list. first, i had another migraine AND THEN a whole stomach flu thing. i won’t give you the details, but if you’ve had it, you know that you question your existence. okay, that may be a little dramatic but you know what i mean…
second, i had nothing to share, or rather nothing that i wanted to share. i’m single and childless and will most likely stay that way. meanwhile i’m carting around the family heirloom bassinet in my car for my pregnant sister for nearly two weeks as a constant reminder, pushed to sitting at the end of the family table during post-christmas lunch, and playing couples games with my 21 year old cousin during the christmas holiday – he hated it too. 😆 then, i have a currently shitty job situation that i don’t know how or if it will get fixed. also, i’m fatter than i’ve been in awhile. for proof, i bought myself a diet book and i received another one as a present. and finally, my finances could be much better, and i’m pretty embarrassed by the gifts i gave this year because of my lack of funds. and oh yeah, i quit grad school (again, because i’m poor). things are going…not terribly, but not great either.
i’m looking at it in a pessimist and negative way. but it hit me at the wrong time. i was feeling sensitive and vulnerable. i have the winter blues every year. i never know when it will hit or for how long. this time the surrounding events and emotions got caught up with those blues and hit me hard. luckily, i know it’s happening. i’m not unaware anymore when it shows up. but that doesn’t mean that i can stop it any sooner. it’s the kind of thing that has to run its course. it’ll pass. it always does.
people keep saying 2016 was the worst. i say it wasn’t. it couldn’t have been because there were so many good things that happened too. i bought a house, i welcomed a new furbaby into said house, and i made advancements at work. i know there are better days ahead for me and for the world. there have to be. i have plans already in motion for those better days.
i picked my word for 2017. health. i want to seek health in all aspects of my life…physically, emotionally, financially, and with my relationships. i think i have a good foundation of knowledge in these different areas and i’ve grown in each of them over the year. but now it’s time to actually build on those foundations. i want to find information and people who can help me build and push away all those that seek to break me down. life is about growing. it’s time to focus on that and move forward.