yesterday was a rough day. i took off from work to go to a couple of routine doctors’ appointments. i woke up with the migraine i thought i had gotten rid of the day before. but it was back with a vengence.
at the first one, i was told that i am too fat and need to lose weight. i knew before she even said anything. i took a peek at the scale even though i told myself not to. because i knew. but i looked anyway. the number was a little shocking. i haven’t weighed myself in three months. i was focusing on eating well and trying to work my way back. but i didn’t know that it had gotten that far away from me. but the number reminded me. and so did my doctor. she was gentle but firm. i felt tears well up behind my eyes but i steadied my voice and asked a few questions for information.
we also talked about an IUD because i’m interested in it, mainly because i’m tired of taking a pill every day since i was 18 years old and i feel like my migraines might be hormone related. if this is TMI, i’m sorry not sorry. now, i’m not saying she shamed me or anything, but when i told her i didn’t want kids in the course of our conversation about the IUD, i got the blank stare. i get it from pretty much everyone when the subject comes up. i get it – you don’t understand. but i do. the doctor told me that i’m basically on the tail end of my baby making years. i’m aware. it didn’t sting or anything when she told me this. at this point in my life, i’m 98% sure i don’t want to have biological children. don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. the suitors may not lined up around the block, but i’m cool with adopting or stepmomming. so anyway, the doctor told me about the side effects and i mentally took another day off for that because like me, my uterus is sensitive and she’ll need a day to recover.
so that was the first appointment. i went home and cried because like i said i’m a sensitive gal. and i cry when my feelings get hurt and people call me fat.
the next one went okay until i asked my dermatologist about this persistent sometimes bruise on my knee from a fall i had last year. she immediately told me that she was referring me to a bone and joint specialist. she muttered something about my patella or a bone bruise and rushed to go make the phone call. so luckily i don’t have skin cancer, but my knee is fucked up. great… can my body just get it together?!
i cried after that appointment too. why? because i have an active imagination as well as being sensitive. bad combo.
luckily, the last appointment went well. i just have dry eyes and increasingly poor vision. i can deal with that. i guess. can we just jump to christmas break so that i can get a real day off?
hopefully, my knee is nothing but a bad bruise i keep reinjuring. hopefully, my uterus starts behaving. hopefully, my migraine goes away. hopefully, i can find the motivation to get my ass back into shape. and hopefully, my body gets it together.